This article was intended to be published before her previous article, Do You Understand? We apologize for any confusion!

Driving away from our ranch

I know I’ve been gone, long gone. But I’m here. And for the first time in a long time, I’m happy, really happy!

Big news, we’ve sold our little ranch that we had bought, and moved into, right before I started writing for Life As A Human. I loved the ranch, loved the views, but really hated the solitude it brought. I really disliked the community that we were a “part of.” I use quotes because I never felt a part of it, the whole time we lived there. I was always a lurker, always held at an arm’s length. To be honest, I held them at a length too. But, that community just wasn’t a good fit for us, me specifically.

I was too “crunchy granola momma” as one community member put it, and I felt they were not enough. I experienced some of the worst treatment I’ve ever received in my adult years and what made it worse was people looked the other way.

I’m rambling. Perhaps, someday, I will tell those stories. But not today.

Today, I want to say that as lonely and as miserable as I was in that town, I’m that much happier and free in this town. In the other community, I’d be home alone, at the ranch, longing for children for Turtle to play with, longing for women to hang out with who got me, who grooved on the same things I did, who felt passionately about things, who accepted me for all my quirks, and passions that help make me, me. We moved back to the town where we went to college, and I have that. All of it.

Turtle made a friend, her best friend (says she) the very first day we moved in. The little girl’s mother embraced me, and we have been tight ever since. Both Turtle and I have friends up and down the street; I couldn’t be happier. They are all passionate about life, passionate about learning, expanding, growing. One of my friends, who has a two and a half-year old, is working on her SECOND PH. D. My jaw dropped when she told me this.
I can ride my bike everywhere, I can go to the farmers market twice a week! I can buy all the organic food I want. Everywhere I turn there is an art museum to visit. This town loves children, and I want the children’s librarian to get a gold medal because children and their literary joy seem to be her passion.

Everyone smiles here! And waves! I had lived here a week, and all the neighbors who don’t have children stopped on the street to say hello. I’m waving at people in the street I don’t even know! See, if you don’t “know” me by now, I’m a very gregarious person, and I love people. I don’t care who you were three years ago, I just want to meet you now, and get to know you now. If you were a drunk three years ago, but you are sober or trying to stay sober now, that is what I care about. The person who I am sitting, standing with in this moment. And I want people to be happy, to be passionate, because I’ve seen far too many people become unhappy because they were not passionate about something.

My neighbors, the people in my neighborhood, are passionate, happy people. They care about the now. They care about the tomorrow. They genuinely care about me, about Turtle. They are excited about the women and children’s groups I run, they want to hear about my art, my writing. Here, there are no boxes to step into. I was never a box dweller.

In our old community, I was becoming unpassionate, a sour soul, someone who was grumpy and mean. I did not like that. I refused to become that. That is not me.

So we moved.

This happy, vivacious flittery woman, this, is me.

And this is me, learning to live with the new LAAH 1,000 word restriction! Haa ha~!

Photo Credits

All photos by Mary Black Bonnet

Where I’ve Been is a post from: LIFE AS A HUMAN

What do you do with a kid who’s angry, depressed, disconnected, or all of the above? Lorna Shepardson knows a magical gift horses possess that can help bring young people from the depths of darkness to a glimmer of self-confidence. This is Lorna’s story.

By Lorna Shepardson

“Rusty, I promise to keep you safe and I need you to keep me safe, and if I make a mistake I want you to forgive me, and if you make a mistake I will forgive you.”

If you overheard this conversation, you might think that Rusty and this person have a trusting relationship.  They do.  Yet, there’s something you should know about why this connection’s so special.

Rusty is a horse.

Horses are healers, as seen as Animals as Natural Therapy (ANT)

Equine-assisted therapy as it’s formally known today has been around for 20 years. As with any counseling mode it isn’t helpful for all people, but it has given many people a real, honest insight about themselves that might not have been revealed otherwise.

Animals as Natural Therapy (ANT) operates at Windy Acres, a former dairy farm, nestled beside the Queen and King mountains in Bellingham, Washington. Upon arrival, you’re greeted by a menagerie of sights and sounds. Horses nudge each other vying for the first mouthful of hay. Juan, the banty rooster, crows with his squeaky little voice. The contagious giggle of an 8 year old spills into the arena as Patriot softly tickles her cheek with his long whiskers.

People who come to ANT think they are coming to learn about horses; this is often their only goal. But ultimately they learn about themselves.

As prey animals that have roamed and survived this planet for thousands of years, horses have a finely tuned intuition that can reflect a person’s emotional state at any given moment.  This gift allows us two-legged humans to become aware of our own emotions that we might not have noticed. Too often our culture has taught us not to feel or emote so we don’t upset anyone. The horses—by mirroring emotions—remind us that emotions aren’t good or bad. They just are.

Lorna stands with Penny who's a combination of gutsy and gentle. She’s unwilling to give in quietly to horses that try to take her food, yet she is gentle with children and teaches them to build confidence. Courtesy of ANT

A large percentage of ANT’s visitors—adults, veterans, teenagers, children—have anger issues. Many youth have turned to drugs or self-harm to push emotions further away, suspending any feelings. Remarkably, I don’t witness much anger at the farm. What I often witness is frustration.

The other day I was working with a teen and Moonshadow. Moonshadow wasn’t interested in leaving her herd, much less her pile of hay. And you can’t move a horse that is unwilling to move. Moonshadow planted all 4 feet and 1200lbs in resistance. I asked Mike (name changed) if he is like this with his mom. He said, “Yes, and by now I would be angry.” We promised Moonshadow a hay bag while we brushed her, and she began to move with us. I asked Mike, “What will it take for your Mom to get you peacefully out of bed tomorrow?” He wasn’t sure, but a seed was planted.

We have seen our horses reach a place in the human heart that more traditional therapies may not have touched. Patriot puts his muzzle on a young person’s chest, and she starts to open up about her pain, letting healing into her darkness. People of all ages can be seen walking beside their horse partner in the arena, telling their story, sometimes spilling their guts without interruption—or judgment.

My role is to be an observer and ask questions from a non-judgmental place. I also interpret the horse’s body language, noticing and drawing attention to the horse’s response to an individual’s actions or reactions.

Often times we hold our breath when our anxiety rises. A horse knows that just before a predator pounces they hold their breath. I have personally concluded this is why I have heard of people who get hurt during their first riding experience—the horse felt a “cougar” on its back. When a client feels anxious, I suggest singing or humming a familiar song, and to check in on his anxiety level using a scale of 1 to 10—“1” is totally relaxed after a peaceful night’s sleep and “10” is watching a really scary movie. By simply acknowledging the anxiety, a person becomes less anxious. Horse and human begin to relax, and trust builds.

Esquel, the llama watches over the farm protecting the small animals from raccoon, possum and other intruders. The goats run to him for protection. Courtesy of ANT

So, how might this translate to students in our schools? Equine therapy can help struggling students by giving them the confidence to be seen and heard without hiding behind a facade. Learning how to walk in partnership with a 1000 lb horse gives people the self-confidence to see themselves as leaders. Oftentimes a horse will pull a youth to a patch of grass, and I’ll ask, “Do you want to be a strong leader and set a boundary, or are you going to let that horse take you for a walk?”

I also cannot say enough about the power of meaningful relationships. Counselor to young person.  Teacher to student. Parent to child. We all have an inherent desire to be seen and heard by someone—even the most shut down, angry individual has this need. And we all need to feel we have something valuable to contribute.

My dream job at ANT allows me to work with kids and horses—two of my favorite things in the world. Horses add an element of surprise and inquisitiveness that I couldn’t possibly create on my own. I see youth feeling empowered— or at least asking questions of themselves—tuning into the glimmer of insight they now have into their true authentic self.

At the end of each day, preteens thru adults leave ANT with a fresh outlook and a less heavy heart. The younger ones leave with good dose of joy and a new sense of confidence. All leave with a greater feeling of hope. Including me.

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Lorna Shepardson wrote this article for YES! Magazine, a national, nonprofit media organization that fuses powerful ideas with practical actions. Lorna is the resident Equine Assisted Mental Health Counselor at Animals as Natural Therapy in Bellingham WA, and has worked for over 20 years in social services, with children, at-risk youth, individuals, and families. When she’s not in the riding arena, Lorna has a private counseling practice called Therapynmotion. She also spends time with her husband Paul, children Athena (9) and Orion (7) playing with their menagerie of horses, dogs, cats, rabbits, fish, and a parrot.

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

YES! Magazine encourages you to make free use of this article by taking these easy steps.

Shepardson, L. (2011, May 16). Horses as Healers. Retrieved June 11, 2011, from YES! Magazine Web site: http://www.yesmagazine.org/for-teachers/teacher-stories/horses-as-healers. This work is licensed under a Creative Commons License Photos courtesy of YES Magazine and ANT.

Horses as Healers is a post from: LIFE AS A HUMAN

Tim Heintzman says sometimes we get stuck on where we think we should be in life, but life may have different plans for us. Now, if only we could listen to what life is telling us.

I was chatting with a friend the other day who was complaining about the confusion that seems to be brought on as we age. She told me about trying to get into her locker at our sports club using what she knew to be the correct combination on her lock, only to be frustrated by its not opening. She has used the same locker for years. After several failed attempts she finally realized that she had been trying to open the locker that was next to hers. I tried comforting her by saying that at least she wasn’t in the men’s locker room. That wasn’t helpful.

As we talked about all the changes that aging brings — memory lapses, aches that appear for no reason, stiffness, the seeming lack of courtesy in interpersonal exchanges between young people and older people, parents who can no longer fend for themselves, fears about getting older and seemingly less secure — I said maybe her experience with the locker was a kind of metaphor for life. That brought a smile to her face.

If you look at it through my distorted lenses though, life is kind of like a locker. A container of experiences, expectations, dark secrets and cherished memories; our lives are something we have been told to protect and keep close to our heart. But life is an ever-changing experience and even those who seem to lived charmed lives undergo change which can rattle their security, even if it’s only briefly.

I have changed residences many times in my life. Each time I moved I was amazed at how much stuff I had accumulated. I had all this stuff that I barely ever used but somehow felt was still important to me, and which I thought, mistakenly, provided me with an identity. And each time I moved, I dutifully loaded it into the new house where it all found its way into a storage space.

I am faced once again by the challenge of finding a new home. All my stuff is stored in a warehouse, and that which I couldn’t fit into the warehouse is residing temporarily in a few friends’ homes. As I search for the perfect new place to live I find myself asking: “What do I really want? Where do I really want to live?” And: “How can I find a place that will hold all my stuff?”

That’s the problem with “stuff” (and there is a good reason why it’s called “stuff”). You have to stuff it somewhere and usually you have to stuff it into a too-small space that becomes over stuffed.

When we overeat we say, “Boy, I am stuffed!” It’s that somewhat uncomfortable feeling of being bloated and weighted down. Do it too often and you become unhealthy.

Is my stuff creating an unhealthy life? Well, from a personal point of view I should look at my appetite for accumulating things and see if maybe I am trying to satisfy an unhealthy diet of acquisitiveness. My comment to my friend about lockers being a metaphor for life ended with the comment that sometimes we need to get a new locker. One that isn’t stuffed with old things we never use anymore. Or can’t use anymore because our lives have irreversibly been altered by, well, life.

Permit me to follow along on that metaphor of life as a locker. My friend was trying to get into one using her combination that had always allowed her access before. She had not noticed that life as she knew it had changed, ie. she was trying to get into the wrong locker. It’s kind of a reversal on that old chestnut about doing the same thing over and over in order to get different results. Sometimes we try to make changes because we don’t like the way our life is going, and sometimes we cling to old habits because it seems safer. Either way can be a blindness to what life is telling us.

Humans, if we are aware, are a wonderfully adaptable life form. We have the ability to overcome our disabilities as long as we are willing to try new ways of living — or new ways of looking at living. I have not, as yet, faced any real physical disabilities like a stroke or blindness or cancer, but I do notice a slight loss of hearing and a detectable slowing down in my movements when I play my favourite sports. Time to change my game?

My virtual spiritual guide, Ram Dass, who in his book Still Here talks about an elderly woman who complained to him that she was angry because she was too tired to do all the things she had on her list of things to do. His suggestion was to add to her list taking time to rest in between the other things needed doing and see how that worked. Resting became a higher priority for her and the other things less so. Not unexpectedly her anger disappeared.

My wish for the New Year was for a brave new one. I think I have found the way to at least get a start on that. Get a new locker. And to really push the envelope, I’ll get one without a combination lock. The memory isn’t what it used to be and whatever I put in the locker probably will only be of temporary value anyway. Now if only I could find a way to get by without user names and PIN numbers….

Photo Credit

“Open 19″ loop_oh @ Flickr.com. Creative Commons. Some Rights Reserved.

Find Another Locker: Are You Where You Need to Be in Life? is a post from: LIFE AS A HUMAN

In Part I of Take a Hike, Not a Pill, Mary Rose began exploring the root causes of depression. In Part II, she looks at how the reptilian part of the human brain is at odds with the way we think life should be.

Human beings are animals, or mammals to be more precise. But we are also something more than that. A very old part of our brain is reptilian in nature.

Lacking language and responsible for autonomic life functions such as breathing, heart rate, sex drive and the fight or flight mechanism, the reptilian brain’s impulses are instinctual and ritualistic. It is this part of our brain —  concerned with fundamental needs such as survival, physical maintenance, hoarding, dominance, preening and mating — which has allowed our continued survival.

Now, imagine if you will a group of animals which has been around for a while — say hippos — and who found themselves in a world where they no longer needed to hunt, fight for survival, preen, mate or dominate. Without their primal urges to automatically guide their behaviour, might they not go mad? I imagine they would eventually become hostile for no reason other than the innate need to trigger something that more closely resembles their ancient natural tendencies (much like a child with ADD will if cooped up in an environment which dictates behaviour that is counter to the child’s nature).

In the case of hippos and people alike, without the freedom to follow natural courses of action — when they are felt, as opposed to when non-animalistic society tells us it’s appropriate — our natural and appropriate urges become deviated. The urge to preen might turn into obsessive compulsive disorder. The urge to fight for turf might turn into obsessive hoarding. The urge to dominate might result in massive genocide. The urge to maintain physical beauty might turn into a multi-billion dollar profit-based industry. The urge to mate, if unmet, might result in anything from watching too much porn, to obsessing about sex, to feeling the urge to rape. And finally, the urge to sleep might turn into depression.

The consequences of caging animalistic frustrations, to make them more appropriate or “politically correct” as it were, are obvious.

We, in the Western world, live in a relatively stagnant and meaningless environment. Everything is readily available in large quantities, all the time. We no longer have to hunt and gather food, or hone a keen mind in preparation for a turf war, nor do we need to be patient and skilled in the ways of survival.

The primal parts of the human mind have become flaccid from lack of use. The very intelligence that gave birth to our magnificent ability to survive and thrive is ironically what has created our indolence, which in turn has made us relatively impotent in the natural world.

The irony is not lost on me. Depression is a direct result of our attempts to “be happy” all the time for half the price with no exercise, no commitment and no money down. It is a natural side effect of withdrawal from the animal inside. The human mind, by virtue of its animal roots, is not designed to withstand what we have imposed on it, and the disconnection from what elementally makes us who we are is what is making us sad.

Simply put, depression is the natural consequence of a mind ill-equipped to deal with unnatural circumstances.

So what do we do about it? Well, I for one am going to plunk away at my keyboard, continue to do research, train for a fight I’ll never get to fight, look after my offspring, hunt for some food in my fridge and look forward to a massive cage fighting Mixed Martial Arts (MMA) event at Bear Mountain Arena.

Take a Hike, Not a Pill, Part II: Releasing the Reptile is a post from: LIFE AS A HUMAN

In Part I of Take a Hike, Not a Pill, Mary Rose explores how our unbalanced, over-stimulating society may be a major cause of depression. But are most of us are too caught up in the chaos to pay attention?

Depression is epidemic these days. Many experts contend that depression is an illness of the mind — that it stems from a chemical imbalance in the brain. But what causes the imbalance?

Depression is primarily experienced in the mind, but this does not necessarily mean that it originates there. A chemical imbalance within the human brain might be caused by the brain itself, but what if these internal imbalances are actually externally motivated?

In the Western world, our hyper-stimulating, all-you-can-eat, immediately-gratifying environment promises easier, faster, bigger and better everything. In what we call developed countries, we take for granted what we might have once called luxuries. We consider it normal to have all types of technology at our fingertips, and upgrades are always right around the corner.

At this point, dear reader, imagine yourself sitting under a tree on a warm summer day, poking at your 4 gig iPad which magically transforms into an 16 gig maxi iPad (for those heavier days), totally oblivious to the fact that the tree you’re sitting under is about to fall on top of you and there’s no one around to hear it. The point of that imaginary scenario is this: For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. In the case of the almost viral growth of the human species on this planet, the environment we inhabit is indeed reacting in an equal and opposite manner. In an attempt to maintain balance or equilibrium, Mother Nature is postmarking all our ugly actions as “‘return to sender”.

Ironically, it is we who are making ourselves sick, but not because there is anything wrong with our brains. Simply put, depression is the result of a healthy brain entrenched in and responding to a deeply chaotic, unbalanced, unnatural and unhealthy environment.

Every living biological organism emits electrical, thermal, biochemical and bio-photonic energy, and in a closed interdependent system such as the Earth, every organism affects the others within that system. Like the ripple effect when a stone is thrown into a body of water, everything in the body of water will be affected by the ripples.

The human mind is no different. It is possible that every aberration of the mind is not indicative of an internal “illness”, but is instead symptomatic of an external global one.

A large portion of us have been affected by a massive outbreak of some sort a collective dis-ease. Perhaps in the interests of self-protection, it seems some of our best minds have succumbed to depression and, as a result, have decided to hit the sleep command.

We are not really using our enormous cache of RAM anymore — and the more we don’t use it, the more we are going to lose it.

Photo Credit

“as she walked on that cold day, the metaphor became fact” pfv. @ Flickr.com. Creative Commons. One Right Reserved.

Take a Hike, Not a Pill, Part I: Depression and Imbalance is a post from: LIFE AS A HUMAN

When you feel stuck, or caught up in the challenges of life, change your life story by changing the way you see the world. Literally.

I’d like to offer two simple practices that I have found helpful for interrupting stressful, stuck experiences.

The first is what I call Sky practice. It’s very simple. If you’re a city or suburban dweller, chances are your eyes are almost always at human level or toward the ground. The human-made landscape around us reinforces this in so many ways. What I have found is that because my very eyes tend to be fixed on all things human, it’s that much harder to let go and experience the spaciousness of the world.

So, sky practice. Deliberately stopping and looking at the sky. Letting the sky fill you, until everything else drops off. Give it a try, especially if you’re having a difficult day.

The second practice is also for dealing with challenges, especially those related to rejection, failure, and stuckness.

What is it? Doing inverted yoga poses. It’s about flipping the world over, which helps to flip your perspective. I recognized this keenly while doing Sirsasana, which is considered the king of yoga poses.

However, any inverted pose can offer you the opportunity to see the world anew. Down dog, for example, is a pretty accessible pose for most people. Uttanasana is another one. Inversions offer physical shifts in the body, which assist the mind in shifting as well.

Do you have any particular practices you do to “flip your current life story over”? Please add your comments below.

Photo Credit

“Cloud” Deanster1983@Flickr.com. Creative Commons. Some Rights Reserved.

“Head stand” Runner’s World

“Downward Dog or Down Dog” women-health-info.com

Flip Your Current Life Story Over is a post from: LIFE AS A HUMAN

New Medicine is a more involved, integrated approach to health care. Moira Gardener shows you how to build your New Medicine toolkit.

Think about health care in terms of everything for body, mind and soul. Look at health as the gift it is — and think New Medicine. The term New Medicine thinking originated from how I personally view taking care of my health. It is a response to observing people who don’t understand the modern health care system and were either frustrated with it or didn’t really think about the role they play as consumers.

Become an Active Participant in Your Health

New Medicine means being an active participant in your health care, someone who does the research and teams up with professionals (yes, plural), and is open to alternatives. It’s adopting a way of thinking and begins with an attitude check-up. Sometimes illness itself is a step in the right direction — if we need to be stopped in our tracks. Likewise, pain is not always a bad thing; it is a stop light to make us look closely at what needs to be examined. View that stoplight as preventive medicine — when you pay attention, treatment becomes easier.

New Medicine thinking goes back to starting the day with gratitude in the form of a quiet moment of prayer or meditation, finding an affirmation, a joke or a word for the day — soul food. Call it whatever you wish, but it is the springboard that launches us into our health.

To get into a good frame of mind, do something fun or creative, or rediscover play. Laughter is not only fun,it’s necessary and it has a positive chemical impact on the body. Laugh Yoga is a good tool with which to begin a New Medicine health kit.

After this, ask yourself, “Am I doing my basics (exercise, rest and diet)?” Invest time in anything that gets the blood moving and the heart rate up. Walking seems to receive the most votes from the health profession. If there are mobility issues, focus on what you can do. Perhaps water exercise or armchair yoga are good alternatives. The old adage of use it or lose it was never more true when the goal is to remain mobile.

Seek Out Information

Doing research on your areas of concern is important. Asking questions is key. I learned how important it is to do the research when I became ill and had to make some lifestyle choices, like slowing down and making dietary changes. Today, the information highway makes research easier. Part of your research may also involve networking to find answers.

Work with Health Care Professionals

A crucial part of New Medicine thinking is working with health care professionals. What is it you require? Is this reasonable? In New Medicine, a good general practitioner (GP) is the first line of defense, steering you through the system, doing what she/he can do for you, then opening up his/her network of specialists. When you acquire a GP, you also acquire that GP’s associations as well.

In New Medicine thinking, you become an active participant within a network that contains a variety of health care providers. One of the great things is the emergence of active living clinics that are synergistic in nature and incorporate a variety of therapies for the benefit of clients. Add to this a naturopathic practitioner to take on some of the roles of the old school doctor, such as treating flu and colds, and providing diet advice, counselling and vitamin therapies.

Finally, in times of stress, remember that an invaluable practitioner is the counsellor. It takes a courageous individual to reach out and say, “I need help.” A good counsellor is one who gives you tools to adjust your thinking and, when you have learned how to use them, pushes you off to do what you can now do for yourself.

The New Medicine Mindset

There are a myriad of alternatives out there so make them part of your tool kit. Look to your research and your practitioners, then seek out healthy alternatives. This can include anything you take in mentally or physically. There are a lot of buzzwords — anti-oxidants, glutothion, orthomolecular medicine, alkaline diets, and books filled with information on supplements. There are vegans, vegetarians, and flexitarians. How do you know what’s best? As an active participant in your health care, do the research and persevere to find a personal fit you can live with.

Now that your health kit is filled with active participation, research, health care practitioners, and a few alternatives that work for you — congratulations! You’ve moved into a New Medicine mindset.

Photo Credit

“Dawn on Riversdale Beach” Neville10 @ Flickr.com. Creative Commons. Some Rights Reserved.

New Medicine Thinking is a post from: LIFE AS A HUMAN

Three men. Three diagnoses of advanced prostate cancer. One message of gratitude.

Three men in my life who I care about a lot have recently been diagnosed with advanced prostate cancer. Each is relatively young, none of them know each other, but they have all managed to embrace their circumstances and express amazing perspective and positive attitudes. Although they don’t know what their futures hold they each in their own way are embracing their present living with fortitude, realism and resilience.

I noticed that Gary has “softened”. He appears more relaxed. He still expresses significant passion for the social and political causes that move him, but he does it with more focused energy and much less drama. He has a calmness and ease about him which is very attractive.

Ron, who often can be counted on for finding the humor in life situations, wrote a hilarious note to his friends following his surgery. In part he shared:

“The literature says that some bruising and swelling can be expected within the male globe and cylinder-shaped private nether bits, but I was totally unprepared for what occurred.  The whole mass was swollen up like a grapefruit…Ah yes, the catheter.  She will be with me for another week.  She?  Well, I named her “Cathy”, “Cathy the Catheter”.  We go everywhere together, and yes, we “go” everywhere together.  She also suggested that if I was a serious sports fan (lazy), I would retain the catheter (put her on retainer?), and by just running a long extension of surgical tubing to the toilet I could sit on the couch for days at a time, arising only to refresh the ice chest and push the next case of chips within reach.  And imagine, while traveling, never having to make rest stops, merely run a line out the window…then laugh as the cars behind start their windshield wipers. Ha.

…So good news, things are healing as planned and it only hurts when I laugh.  Ouch!!  And just be thankful I am not sending photographs.”

Don, a work colleague of mine, upon receiving his advanced cancer diagnosis, completely changed his diet, reinvigorated a exercise program and became a raw food vegan. In a note to his friends he wrote,

“I feel better than I have in years.   This whole experience has been a consciousness raising journey for me — for that I am grateful. It has changed me and helped me evolve my outlook to life and to my work with others…

Now I am fiercely determined to live and, at the same time, be at peace with whatever comes.  I have found a way to live with greater health, relate to my fellow humans with more compassion and serenity, and become a better citizen on our severely strained planet.”

Don sent a personal note to me and said, in part, “This has definitely been a powerful ‘upside’ experience for me… I have learned again how precious those in my life are and just how much of life is enriched with my family, friends, colleagues and clients. My life has meaning, vitality, endless surprise and delightful “synchronicities”.  I am truly grateful.

I truly hope that under similar circumstances, I am able to demonstrate a portion of the grace that my friends have.   It’s been inspiring to learn from and be part of their journeys.

Please share your own stories about being resilient in challenging times and of course pass this on to others who could use a bit of a boost in their lives.

These are examples of what I’ve learned and shifts I’ve experienced:

• Although I’ve experienced significant loss in income and savings I have never felt richer and more solid in my life
• I feel clearer about my purpose and less anxious about the future
• I am putting more effort into life and enjoying it more
• Creativity is flowing doubts are abating
• More loving/more loved
• Giving more to others/questioning myself less
• More settled AND more creative
• Much clearer what I don’t want/less focused on what could-should be
• Less pushing/more trusting
• Less dramatic more adventuresome
• More commitment/less wasted energy
• More focused/less wasted time
• More discriminating/closer friendships and more meaningful relationship
• More comfortable in my skin/finding life working easier
• Having less needs/receiving more abundance in all forms
• More ease less drama

Questions:

1. What have you learned about yourself during these challenging economic times?
2. What are you most proud about?
3. What has surprised you about your capabilities and any shifts you’ve made in your thinking and actions?

Steve Goldberg is the co-author of Finding the Upside:  Practical Wisdom for Challenging Times.  You can read more about and purchase the book at:  www.findingtheupside.org

This post was previously published on www.upsidematters.org on September 26, 2010

Softening, Engaging the Funny Bone and Expressing Gratitude: Three Friends’ Recipes for Dealing with Prostate Cancer is a post from: LIFE AS A HUMAN

One of our key Upside Life messages is about developing and maintaining financial well-being through adequate saving coupled with living within our means and buying items when we can afford them.

National Public Radio Economic commentator Beth Kobliner gave what I would consider some of the best advice about saving and spending: “Make it easy to save and harder to spend.”  She calls it the Do it Yourself Bailout.  Her practical and common-sense suggestions, backed up by behavior research include the following:

1. SET YOUR CELL PHONE OR COMPUTER TO REMIND YOU TO SAVE. A 2010 study by economists from Harvard and Yale and co-authored by Jonathan Zinman of Dartmouth found that bank customers who were reminded of their savings goals with monthly text messages stashed away six percent more money than those who didn’t receive reminders. So set your calendar on your Blackberry or an alarm on your cell phone to remind you of your goals. Use post-its, refrigerator magnets, screensavers, mobile alerts—whatever works for you. More simply, contact your bank and ask them to automatically withdraw a set amount—say $50 or $100 a month—out of your checking account after each pay period and have it transferred to savings.
2. DON’T LET YOUR COMPUTER MAKE IT TOO EASY TO SPEND. With popular websites like Gilt Groupe, Groupon, and RueLaLa offering deep discounts to your favorite retailers, you don’t even have to leave your desk in order to blow money on shopping sprees. Erase your credit card information from tempting sites, don’t allow them to save your passwords, and delete bookmarks to places where you’re likely to spend. But do use sites like bankrate.com to get the lowest rate on credit cards and billshrink.com to see if there’s a better cell phone or wireless plan for you.
3. USE CASH NOT PLASTIC. A classic 2001 study from MIT found that people were willing to pay twice as much for the same items when they paid with credit cards compared to when they paid with cash. So stick to an all-cash diet. Another 2008 study by Priya Personal Raghubir of NYU and Joydeep Srivastava of the University of Maryland, found that people tend to treat credit cards and gift cards like “monopoly money”—meaning that plastic feels less real and people are less careful about overspending with it. Take out a fixed amount of cold, hard, cash from the ATM each week and hold yourself to that sum of money to get you through the week.
4. CHECK YOUR EMOTIONS. Research from British psychologists done in 2009 and other studies by American psychologists has found that we’re willing to spend more money when emotions run rampant. In fact, in one famous study from Carnegie Mellon, participants who’d been shown a tearjerker about a dying parent were willing to fork over almost four times more for a bottle of water, compared to people who’d been shown a documentary about the Great Barrier Reef. Save your shopping for your mellow moods.
5. SHOP WITH FRUGAL FRIENDS. Studies show that friends (and even friends-of-friends) influence everything from how much you weigh to how much you smoke. And at least some unpublished preliminary research seems to show that friends can influence how you can spend as well. Next time you’re planning a big-ticket purchase, bring a frugal pal shopping with you. Take your spendthrift friends on a run instead.

Questions for Discussion:

1. What success have you had in curbing your spending over the last 18 months?
2. How successful have you been in saving for the future?
3. Please share any tips or strategies you’re using below with other Upside Life readers in the “comments” section . . .

Steve Goldberg is the co-author of Finding the Upside:  Practical Wisdom for Challenging Times.  You can read more about and purchase the book at:  www.findingtheupside.org

Make It Easier to Save and Harder to Spend is a post from: LIFE AS A HUMAN

A man in the midst of addiction finds momentary serenity in the storm.

I’m remembering what Michael told me earlier that day. He’s my new therapist. Crack cocaine and bad juju is no way to live, he said. It’s just a party, I said. If you do it every weekend and the weekend starts on Thursday and ends on Tuesday, it’s no party; it’s a way of life, he said.  Face it, man, he said, you’re an addict.

I’m no fuckin’ addict, I said. I don’t get high by myself.

I’m lying through my teeth. The truth is I have been getting high whenever I can and then getting people to come over. People? Who the fuck am I kidding? Hookers with more dope is who, but really, I’m no addict, I’m just a guy with things to talk about when he gets high.

If I’m a addict then you better be very good, I had said to Michael that morning. I’m no walk in the park. He looked at me, waited. Is that your way of saying thank you,  Charlie?

Something, maybe a decision of some kind took place inside a shrug. After another moment he rolled up his sleeve and showed me the track marks.

I left his office, relieved in a spooked kind of way. It might have been because it was finally in the open for me. Or maybe it was because he hadn’t pulled any punches, had left me no room to hide, and even so, had offered his help. Maybe deep down I thought that if he had made it, maybe one day I would too. Walking home across the sunlit park that the local junkies call No Man’s Land, I felt better than I had for a long while.

Later that night I went out to get more dope so I could wait for Diego’s “big shipment, great shit” to arrive even later that night. I took my mountain bike, bought in easier times, because my car was in the city pound, the victim of a speeding ticket, a bad attitude and a house downpayment’s worth of unpaid parking tickets. I put on my black silk jacket, check out my cool in the hallway mirror and go to the park.

The rain came in hard that night but even so the park was crowded. No Man’s Land was open for business. Frenchy, another dealer I know, saw me coming. Hey, man,  you look like you been rode hard. The usual? Yeah.

Yeah.

I grab a hard hit after I score, let it take over and begin the inside drift to somewhere else, hit another one for the road, mount up and head back. On the way past Michael’s office I’m thinking, I ain’t no fuckin’ addict. I ain’t goin’ to no meetings.

Diego, my main guy, finally showed about 1:30 talking crap about flake and bricks of blue crystal. He pulled out a mess of mother of pearl, took my money and left, sayin’ he would see me after awhile but to be careful this was the best shit I had ever seen. It turns out that he was right about one thing; it was good shit, good enough to damn near kill me that night but not quite good enough to keep me from going down the road on a crack cocaine run that would last four years.

I bumped into Michael at the park during that time. He was doing something he called Iron Shirt, some kind of martial art that involved taking heavy hits to the chest as if he were a catching a baby and laying it down to sleep. I was still in the wind, still looking to get high. Our eyes met briefly, and held. He smiled sadly, shook his head once, or so it seemed and then he went back to his exercise of taking violence and accepting it so thoroughly that it became not only his own but was transformed into the most gentle and disarming of movements, a setting aside, serenity in the storm.

I went over to the dopers on the other side of the park, scored another rock, smoked it, scored a bunch more. On my way home I saw Michael one last time; he was still working out, he seemed to be not of this world.

The next day I put in a call to a friend of mine and we hit the road, south to Texas. When the dope ran out and the money was gone, somewhere south of Amarillo, I remembered Michael’s slow turning movement, his transformation in the motion of it to something different, gentler, stronger by far, a presence in the moment, an awareness long sought but never found, entirely unknown to me. Whatever it might have meant in the memory, and to this day I cannot tell you what it was, I made another phone call this time to the people I had long ago abandoned, accepted what was demanded of me and checked myself into a treatment center on the edge of a broke-down north Texas town, a brown grass place where the sun burnt the day like the fires of medieval hell and the night air brought scant moments of relief.

During the rare summer nights when breeze was up, I sat on the hillside, clean for the first time since I was a teenager, adrift with the endless Texas sky. The night wind carried hints of distant pine forests to the east. I found myself dreaming of the possibility of one more rodeo, of doing whatever it would take to build a second chance, of holding tight to the possibility that my war was over, and despite having lost every battle, something important had been won, that I would be allowed to make peace, to start out again as if for the first time, that I could leave No Man’s Land forever in the rear view and make a new life. Some days it works that way. For the other days when it is rough, I just have remember to keep it tight.

Photo Credit

“As free as the coulds in the night” John K. @ Flickr.com. Creative Commons. Some Rights Reserved.

No Man’s Land is a post from: LIFE AS A HUMAN