An e-mail from Life As A Human sparks author Michael Lebowitz to create a story allowing him to cleverly avoid doing other work for which he is actually paid.
We had coffee by the light of an oil lamp we thought would last for only an hour or two. For the love of Judah it lasted 8 days. By the next day, December 21, we were hard at our new life as crack cocaine addicts searching all day long for a score. As it was the Winter Solstice we only had five hours of daylight. Bummer! Finally, though, we found some and stayed happy right through the full moon three days later when we realized we were literally howling and stark raving crazy. Diana, as she called herself, thought it time to go back to the forest to lop down a princely Doug Fir. She decorated it with candles, popcorn, tinsel and Hershey’s Kisses in time for Christmas when all the stores were closed except for the 7-11′s.
By Monday the lamp was burning low, Gordie Lightfoot was singing, the snow was gently falling and a parade of albino reindeer pranced by to the beat of a Scots bagpipe band and high school football teams carrying signs demanding an end to AIDS in Africa, the making up of ridiculous holidays by all nations, faiths, creeds, colours, political persuasions, sexual gender choices and commercial enterprises as well as the end of all final exams and spelling tests. The demonstration caused quite some concern under the Burrard Street bridge where all the good city burghers gather after Christmas to open their presents leading to the traditional commonwealth twelve hour boxing melee, which in turn caused a cessation of all hostilities among the nations, many recoveries of lost dreams, several unexplained jumps in the birthrate nine months later, the miracle of transubstantiation and the remarkable transformation of Diana and I into people with good credit ratings and too many gifts to count.
A Goddam Christmas miracle, Carole, is what I say. Diana just says shut the door behind you when you go out to get the oil.
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