How to Renovate Your House (and Still Remain Married)

I just don’t get it.

Why is it the retro look is in, but I still had to renovate my house? Being an old house it’s already old looking, so we’re there, right? Isn’t this the look everyone is trying so hard to obtain?

I have this theory. Somewhere, at least once a year, all the wives have a secret meeting with all the contractors, and they come up with a plan. Now, I’m not suggesting anything sinister, because I know for sure my wife would never attend a meeting like that without first informing me. But there are ways to tell a guy something while making sure he does not get the message, such as:

It’s Hockey Night in Canada, and I’m glued to the tube. From the top of the stairs, Shelly shouts down, “I’m going to a secret meeting with all the wives and contractors, I think I’m going to order new flooring. Can I get you anything?”

Of course, what I hear is, “Daniel passes the puck off to Henrick, he shoots… ‘Can I get you anything?’”

“Oh sure. A beer would be nice.”

“I’m leaning towards hardwood,” she continues. “You OK with that?”

“Kiprusoff kicks out the pad… ‘What?’”

“Hardwood!”

Hardwood? Who the hell does he play for? “I’m not sure who you’re…NOOOO!!! THAT’S NOT A CROSSCHECK! Gimme a break, where do they find these refs, anyways!”

“Are you listening to me?”

“Aaaah, the games in OT! Can we talk later?”

Now, I don’t want to leave the impression I’m one of those guys who never listens to his wife. Under normal circumstances I hang on to every word she speaks, eagerly anticipating the arrival of each syllable. But we’re talking hockey here and, as a Canadian male, I am duty bound to place the institution in its rightful place in our matrimonial hierarchy. Anything less would be unpatriotic.

Sooner or later, however, the dreaded renovation bug will arrive. It usually starts as a simple comment (didn’t you just love their kitchen?), and then gradually sneaks its way to the top of your priority list. As a survivor of two projects, I am willing to impart my wisdom and expertise so you, too, can renovate your house and still remain married.

Stay tuned.

Image Credit

Public Domain

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